“I’m not sure you’re gonna pass through those things and challenges since I never saw any good thing from you. Are you sure about this?”
“Stop fooling around. You’re only burdening people around you.”
“You would never reach the top. Mark my words.”
How many times did you hear someone was tried to underestimating you? Once? Twice? Only for a couple of times? Well.. I’ve been heard it almost a thousand times in my whole life. If you guys wondering what it feels like.. at first, it was really hurting me. Lots. I’ve claimed myself as a smart, amazing, and luckiest girl ever. But then, when I heard they are trying to underestimate me and they didn’t even sure about my ability as a 13 years old girl who tries to find out who she really is, all of my self-claimed are buushhh! Gone. Just like that.
They, whom I thought supposed to be my number one support systems are also unsure about me. I have no one to talk to, no one to support, no one was sure about me. And yes, I chose to give up. All of my dreams, my high expectations about life, about my future, are also buried together with my self-claimed and my self-confidence.
It goes on and on and on for years. Until one day, I looked at myself in the mirror, then a huge question mark appears. Am I that worthless? Am I really born to be a failure? At that time, I felt like I’m the most pathetic person ever alive. Kinda embarrassing, but that’s the truth. No one appreciates me and I faced a bunch of failures again and again. I faced few hard years and the hardest one was in 2019.
Well, as time goes by, obviously, I realized that I’m not the one who faced all of these failures. People out there, have failed terribly in things they pursued. People out there, are also trying so fucking hard to survive. As The Wildcats said, we’re all in this together.
I think too much about what the world thinks about me, about what people expecting me to be. Yeah, call me a loser, a coward, or whatever you want, because that was what I am. I live my life just like what they want me to be without realizing that it’s not okay. It’s absolutely never okay for me.
I always tell people around me to always put themselves first, and now I’m trying to implementing it into my life and I start to live my own life, without anyone to tell me what to do, and just as what am I want me to be. It’s not easy, and it’s never been easy for me. Not everyone supports my decision, not everyone appreciates me, but hey, this is my life, isn’t it? I think I just need someone to tell me how much my existence values and how much are they proud of me? Like, really proud of what I did? Well, maybe.
I don’t have any idea where does this courage comes from when I wrote down these whole messes into words. All I can say is I think I don’t regret this decision, to tell the world that I’ve been there. Maybe not the whole thing I could wrote down this time, but still, I don’t regret it. I’m not saying that I’m 100% healed. Nope, I haven’t, but I try to. I’m capable to do many things, so I will keep on going, whether people like it or not, I have to keep on living. Lastly, as my 9 men once said, they never know what we’ve been through, right?
