People usually said there are lots of things we could be grateful for each day. Woke up in the morning and see the sunlight through the window curtain, sipping our favorite tea or coffee, listening to our favorite music, or just looking at strangers we met on the street.
But that doesn't work as easily as it sounds, at least for me. I woke up each day, looking at my room’s ceiling, and felt what I usually felt. That's the moment I knew when it is coming all over again. Oh crap, I’m here again.
Sometimes I asked myself, do I really want all of this misery? Do I really let myself get stuck in the same thing over and over again?
The fact is, sometimes I really messed it up. You know, I am quite the character. For one, I’m mostly introverted and prefer to stay in my room (or in the corner of the coffee shop near my house all alone), listening to music, reading a book, or just doing my thesis (or not). But on the other side, I am just a girl who deeply wants to hang out with certain people, tell jokes, and just exist in the same space. Sometimes I don't want people to be aware of my existence, yet sometimes I want people to know that I exist.
It sucks when nobody validates your emotion or thinks that you lack of emotions yet you have to understand what they’ve been through this far in their life. But then, this thought comes to my head.
What if someone else on the other side of the world or someone that I knew suffered on something that I don't even know they have to experience it? I’m not the only one who get stuck in the same thing over again. They also want to get themselves free from misery.
We have to experience real pain, struggle, and failure. That’s just a part of living. We live, we loved, we lost, we learn, and we grow in particular. Sometimes, we thought that we were meant to be lost, but no, we’re not. Failures and pain are temporary. What I learned from this year was there will be someone worse than you, and someone better than you. That’s just how life works. We don’t have to be the number one on anything but ourselves.
We don’t have any authority to choose who or what comes, who or what stays, and who or what goes. But we have complete authority over our own life, over how we welcome everything that comes to us, and how we say goodbye to everything that goes. If something feels so heavy and you feel like you can’t handle it anymore, remember the last time you’ve been in a place where you thought you wouldn't make it but you did?
This might sounds cliche, but what I trying so freaking hard to learn is nothing in life is really a waste of time. Not the bad relationship or friendship you've been in for many years, not the money you lost in that one big deal or stuff, not the shitty college life you took for many years, and so on. It’s either a blessing or a lesson — they said.
Remember the last hurt you swore you wouldn't survive? But again, you did, and you will always do. Just like last time, you will rise.
When I wrote down this post, I was sitting here, in the corner of my room, listening to my own Spotify playlist and realizing that 2022 is almost over yet almost everyone I knew still has no specific idea about their 2023 resolution.
For me, no matter how big or how great your resolutions are, stay alive is the most important one. If you are reading this, please take a moment and reflect on the fact that you have survived every single moment of your life up to this day. And this time is no different, you will last. Today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the next, and the one after that.
You will make it through this too. You will last until the day you are destined to leave.
I’m rooting for you.
